sometimes you just have to do what you gotta do

after scott left i read a book called "Its Called Break Up Because It's Broken" and it suggested not to talk with whoever you broke up with for 2 months. so i did it. my 2 month mark came up this past month of september and as it came so did text messages from scott. i stuck with my 2 month rule and didn't answer and then a few days ago this e-mail came...

Hey Kellie,

So the past couple of days I've been doing a lot of thinking....mostly due to a guilty conscience.....I need to help you out with this lease......Seriously, I cannot go a day without thinking about what a mess this all turned out to be.........and I really need to do something....to fix it up, to do something......anything! I know things are sour between us and honestly I can't really move on until I fix that up........more so, until we fix that up. You're in school, in an extremely difficult major, trying to get work in there to pay rent and other expenses......and honestly I know you can't do it alone......and my guilt is getting the better of me......I want to help you......and I need to. And since all of this is my fault, I've been selfish the past couple of months neglecting my responsibilities to help out an incredible friend.....one of my best friends, in fact. And the ironic part is.....I still haven't saved any money.....I'm still where I'm at 4 months ago........with 1500 dollars in car repairs and registration, I think God's telling me something......haha! Kellie.....I still care about you......and I know you're trying to rid me of your life, however I can't.....no matter how hard I try, I can't.....because, in the end of it all, you're just amazing......I dunno what happened back in May where everything took a major turn for the worst......and every time I look back I wish I could have changed everything........every time I think about the night I left to go to Utah and looking back you were still looking through the window, I wish I could had changed all of that.........where I wish I could've made the right choice by not leaving at all.........then again, I wasn't in the right mind set.......I was angry, upset, disappointed, any sort of negative feeling......not at you, but at me....I wish I was just stronger at the time.....

But anyway, so everybody still hates me from down in Arizona, I've lost my best friend in the process of it all, and I want to do something to fix it all.......not so much about making everyone happy because that's not going to happen......but rather I want my best friend back......and I know money isn't going to fix it...maybe a portion.....but you've got a million reasons to hate me....which is understandable and I accept that.......but I want you to be happy....even if that means me sacrificing all my money I was saving for college to help you out..........even if that means living off bread and water for a couple of months.......whatever it takes.......so we need to figure out how to do this.....how I can transfer moneys down to you to help you out........now I'm no money bags, mind you......where I make a whompin' 7.25 an hour and maybe get 30 hours a week.....maybe......but I'll do my best to help you out.......please let me know! Call me, e-mail me, something! 

In addition to all of this, I wanted to also send you the latest piece I'm working on......an orchestra cover of "Fix You" by Coldplay.........anyway, I would really like to hear from you, see how life has been treating you and everything........

--
Jacob Scott Rakozy

Scott-

I'm glad you've decided what you did. This summer was extremely tough financially and so is this year. My mom helped me out the best she could and it really set her back a lot. She's behind on her bills and is still trying to catch up from the summer when you left. She's an amazing woman to have sacrificed all she did for me.

Anyway, there are two ways this could go. You can help me pay to brake our lease or you can send me a check each month for half the rent, what i would charge a roommate. To brake the lease it would cost approximately $7,000 not including extra fees such as having the apartment cleaned and paying to have things fixed depending on what the complex deems necessary. If you were to pay half the rent it would be $350 a month until July 25th when the lease ends or until i am able to find a roommate.

As for our friendship, i wish i could say everything would go back to the way it was before we were engaged, but it cant. I've forgiven you and i'm not mad at you at all. However, being friends with you now would just be incredibly painful for me. You can be completely different now and if you are that's wonderful but any mention of you brings back some extremely painful memories. Even if i try as hard as i can those memories are very hard to erase from my mind. 

Scott, you hurt me more than anyone i have ever known, including my father. I tried my hardest to be the best friend I could be to you. I was there for you at your best and at your worst and all i received in turn from you was emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. You took advantage of our friendship. Like i said that night at the temple, you know exactly how to hurt me more than anyone. I trusted you, which for me is very hard to do due to my family history with my father. I let you have my trust and you took it and my vulnerabilities and used them to your advantage. You used them to break me down and hurt me to get the type of girl you really wanted. No matter how much weight i would have lost or if i dyed my hair blond i can never change and that type of girl isn't me. For that i am NOT sorry.

You made me think i was not good enough for you, when in reality i was more than good enough. After you left my life was horrible. You left me very hurt and with a huge financial burden that i didn't know what to do with. In addition to that my anxiety came back and for months i could not eat, i threw up, and balled my eyes out every single day. Our friendship ended when you chose to leave to Utah and didn't look back. 

I dont think you understand what it means to be someones best friend. You should talk to Vance and Logan or Jess and Kent, they are amazing best friends. Your best friends are supposed to be there for you and to love you. Never in a million years would any of my best friends tell me i'm not good enough for them or say any, or even half of the hurtful things you said to me. Why? Because they love me for who i am and they are good people.

So, you can see what being friends with you now would be like for me, remembering all that hurt and loneliness. Honestly Scott, it wouldn't be healthy, mentally or physically, for me. You took care of yourself when you left and now it's my turn to do the same. I'm exercising everyday, taking care of my body. I finally have time to spend on my homework and time to really do well in school. I'm making new friends and hanging out with old ones.

You said you would do what ever you could to make me happy again. Well, here are the only two things you need to do:

1. Never EVER EVER EVER EVER treat another girl how you treated me. Every girl, including me, deserves to be treated like the wonderful, amazing, daughter of God that she is. Take her out on proper dates, don't make her pay, and do something special for her every now and then. And if you ever ask another woman to be your wife you'd better treat her like a goddess. Treat her like you don't deserve to be with her and like she could leave you at anytime because odds are you don't deserve her and she will leave you, not every girl will put up with what i did.

2. Please dont contact me outside of what you choose to do with our apartment. I've moved on and you should too. You didn't need me as a friend when you left to Utah so i don't think you really need me now. So there's no use for us to be in contact. We don't live close to each other, and i dont like going to Utah so odds are we probably will never see each other again. I want to be happy and part of that is to not have you in the picture anymore. I dont want to be hurt by you anymore and i cant trust you enough to know that you won't hurt me again, even if it is in just a friendship. I believe it to be best if it were like you never existed as a part of my life. I don't want to be reminded of the immense pain you caused me. 

I wish i could say we had a good run, but we really didn't....haha!

Best wishes in your future,

Kellie M. Taylor

Sometimes i guess you have to do whats best for you. I'm pretty sure i wont be getting any money for the apartment i'm stuck with but oh well, i didn't expect to anyway. Life is a learning experience and thats just what i did. I took this horrible experience that i had to go through and learned that i was worth a whole lot more than what i thought i was. I also learned how a girl should be treated and what not to want in a spouse. All though this recent experience has brought back some of the pain that faded a way i'm sure that it will fade away and my life will go back to normal. i will be happy again someday and i look forward to that day.